Head west or east or just off yourself. Edmonton is where dreams die.
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, ol Tin Town just gives you a new low.
You betcha, Alberta's capital is sinking even deeper with every day. Here's 15 reasons why:
1) It's a regular city, but browner & greyer
Take a drive on any road in this shithole and let me know when you see something green. There's nothing but dead grass covered with 20 tons of gravel. Oh wait I think I see some... No, nevermind, just a dumpster.
2) Festivals
Every city's got em! But Edmonton's just happen to be the worst. K-Days, Captial Ex, whatever the fuck you wanna call it is just an overpriced and unfun excuse to be in Edmonton's true attraction, a parking lot. Do yourself a favour and spend that money on a flight to get the fuck out of here.
3) Edmonton is gaining worldwide fame
I hear Guinness world records is measuring the height of the dump this year.
4) There's no summer
8 months of dark, depressing hell then straight back into fall. If you see a green leaf, send me a pic please.
5) That Edmontonian Spirit!
Helpful for thy self! Saw some guy bring truck load of actual garbage to good will cause too lazy to bring it the dump and wouldn't leave until they took it all. The guy looks at me.. "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?" and I'm standing there looking at this pile of shit and see just broken stuff that nobody could ever re-purpose. But hey, It's the Edmonton way! I'M HELPING.
6) God is it ever north
Like winter but nothing to do? Edmonton is the place for you!
7) Elk Island
Not Edmonton. Overrated mosquito breeding zone. Just not that great. Try going WEST next time.
8) A Big Bat
That thing still there? What's it even there for? Does Edmonton have a baseball team or something?
9) It'll get you fat
Try any of Edmonton's premier dining options and see for youself. Everywhere you go just flavourless goops of "that'll do".
10) Anti-Environment / Outdoors
To the point of just being flat out fucking idiotic. Anything anti oil/gas is WRONG. Green initiatives are HIPPY. I NEED TO WORK!!! Is that a crane?!?! Let me hop in that mother fucker and build another flare stack. Why am I the asshole for liking green grass and trees? Seriously Fuck this place.
11) Two words: Photo Radar
I just can't.
12) Fantasyland still exists
Seriously who the fuck still takes vacations to WEM? Only thing more pathetic than paying to come here is living here. Fuck.
13) World Waterpark
I can't think of a better place to eat partial feces and get some sickly disease.
14) Always thinking about making the city under construction
Edmonton had an identity once, I think. Got bulldozed and rebuilt on. Hmmm I don't like what we did there, let's redo that too. Oh and that histioric building? Edmonton's hottest club: VOMIT.
15) City of Failures
Win something once, talk about it forever. Build something once, knock it down forever. Actually this topic deserves it's own post. This truely is the City of Failures.