These are the Guardians 6 of the EdmonTIN borders. Fear their might and force as they uproot 80 year old Douglas Firs. Destroying nature. Scraping and digging the earth. Filling its wounds with concrete. Ripping up the living to place dead cement in its stead. They will not stop until their borders are the borders of all. In a city where you can be arrested for planting a tree or be fined for gardening. Watch out for the Guardians 6.
Head west or east or just off yourself. Edmonton is where dreams die.Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, ol Tin Town just gives you a new low. You betcha, Alberta's capital is sinking even deeper with every day. Here's 15 reasons why: 1) It's a regular city, but browner & greyer Take a drive on any road in this shithole and let me know when you see something green. There's nothing but dead grass covered with 20 tons of gravel. Oh wait I think I see some... No, nevermind, just a dumpster. 2) Festivals Every city's got em! But Edmonton's just happen to be the worst. K-Days, Captial Ex, whatever the fuck you wanna call it is just an overpriced and unfun excuse to be in Edmonton's true attraction, a parking lot. Do yourself a favour and spend that money on a flight to get the fuck out of here. 3) Edmonton is gaining worldwide fame I hear Guinness world records is measuring the height of the dump this year. 4) There's no summer 8 months of dark, depressing hell then straight back into fall. If you see a green leaf, send me a pic please. 5) That Edmontonian Spirit! Helpful for thy self! Saw some guy bring truck load of actual garbage to good will cause too lazy to bring it the dump and wouldn't leave until they took it all. The guy looks at me.. "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?" and I'm standing there looking at this pile of shit and see just broken stuff that nobody could ever re-purpose. But hey, It's the Edmonton way! I'M HELPING. 6) God is it ever north Like winter but nothing to do? Edmonton is the place for you! 7) Elk Island Not Edmonton. Overrated mosquito breeding zone. Just not that great. Try going WEST next time. 8) A Big Bat That thing still there? What's it even there for? Does Edmonton have a baseball team or something? 9) It'll get you fat Try any of Edmonton's premier dining options and see for youself. Everywhere you go just flavourless goops of "that'll do". 10) Anti-Environment / Outdoors To the point of just being flat out fucking idiotic. Anything anti oil/gas is WRONG. Green initiatives are HIPPY. I NEED TO WORK!!! Is that a crane?!?! Let me hop in that mother fucker and build another flare stack. Why am I the asshole for liking green grass and trees? Seriously Fuck this place. 11) Two words: Photo Radar I just can't. 12) Fantasyland still exists Seriously who the fuck still takes vacations to WEM? Only thing more pathetic than paying to come here is living here. Fuck. 13) World Waterpark I can't think of a better place to eat partial feces and get some sickly disease. 14) Always thinking about making the city under construction Edmonton had an identity once, I think. Got bulldozed and rebuilt on. Hmmm I don't like what we did there, let's redo that too. Oh and that histioric building? Edmonton's hottest club: VOMIT. 15) City of Failures Win something once, talk about it forever. Build something once, knock it down forever. Actually this topic deserves it's own post. This truely is the City of Failures. If you ever see this veiw....you're FUCKED. You are in for a world of sick disgust the likes you have never seen before. Turn back!!
This city is an ugly shit fuck littered with death garbage and smoke butts. A dome of depression and hatred. The brown suicide river flows fast with the piss and shit flushings from Timmy guzzling construction crews and stay at home moms of 3. There is nothing here for anyone. I havent seen the color green in months. Just grey. I wake up depressed and it snowballs throughout the work day. At hometime I just want a bed. The commute home is 30 minutes of resisting the urge to drive off a cliff. But therre isnt one. Just flat boring straightaways. Oh its OK. Theres a liqour store.
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