One last look at this eye sore shit pile city as I escape to the land of serenity. A view that is never missed. I take no TIN with me. My mind is now empty and ready to be filled with pure bliss.
1) Enjoy the Sun, while it lasts...
Get outside this weekend before the crushing depression of winter kicks in and you're driving to work in the dark and driving home in the dark and living your whole god damn life in the dark.
2) Take a Tour of Edmonton's Streets.
Take a driving tour around the city and count all the road construction projects that won't finish before the snow flies, they will be sure to fuck your life up all winter long.
3) Play the Crane Game.
Look up, waaaaay up! Count the cranes hovering above you as they pile shit up into the sky.
4) Prep your Dually Hemi Monster Truck for Winter.
Jack it up a few more feet, throw on some gigantic tires that will not only eat up the snow but the concrete as well, don't bother with mudflaps though, watch that pavement fly and fuck everyone else.
5) Talk about the upcoming Oilers season.
Get together with your best buds and talk about your favourite losing sports team's line combinations and what YOU would do to fix them. CONNORRRRRR!!! Shut the fuck up buddy.
I was lucky enough to catch a glimpse of this majestic animal while stopped at a red light this morning. It was feasting on the bones of what looked to be a couple discarded 7-11 wings. Zoom in on the picture and you'll see the grease stain next to the pack of smokes. I believe this species of bird is the TIN Hawk. It thrives on trash bin buffets and litter to maintain its bland ruffled look. Look near the curbs and you might spot one yourself, beak deep in a rabbit carcas or even feasting on one of its own. Beautiful. There's something to be said about the wildlife in EdmonTIN. "Yuck" and "Ick". I'd rather headbutt a unicorn than live here.
There was a small crack in the road here. It affected nobody in any way. Not to mention the traffic was sparce to nil on this little service road. So lets rip it up and re-pave the fucking thing!! Cuz its not like there a more important road that needs a hole filled. No way. I cant think of one. What a fucking joke this place is......
A new arena? Wow, Edmonton is awesome now! Like a light switch full fucking 180 spin I feel great about living here! This new arena fixes everything!
Or at least that's what good few, true orange and blue tinners will tell you. They just needed a new excuse. Force down the kool-aid buddy, keep pretending that you like it here. Soon that kool-aid will turn to alch and you'll realize that this city is just tricking you once again. This new sun blocking eye sore is just a new toy like your seven fucking ATV's and snowmobiles, or this year's new tech gadget that you'll throw away last year's model for. NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW! Maybe if I buy just one more thing I'll be happy!!!!!
This new toy isn't fooling me. It looks like a small flaccid dick when seen from above with it's knob pointed straight at downtown. Is it coincidence that downtown Edmonton smells like fucking piss? Whoever designed that unit probably laughing his ass off that it was actually built. Just another joke for this city and just another reason why Edmonton sucks.
I had an odd feeling today. I think it was joy? I was in St. Albert when I felt different. There were trees as far as the eye could see. Lining the well paved roads. Not an orange barricade in sight. My eyes then we re routed the architecture. Very nice clean buildings. I rolled through a new traffic circle and it was glorious. The crosswalks were painted with colors. Yes, vibrant colors. Not the grey tinge of depression that looms over EdmonTIN. But my story doesn't end well. I was now re entering the city of disgust. South down 170th I go. First sight is the massive dirt hill that covers the fucking garbage. Fuck me. Just fuuuuuck me. There's that feeling I hadn't had in a good 15 mins. Disgust. I decided to google best places to live in Canada. In 2014 St Albert was #1. EdmonTIN was #8?!?!?! How? Oh. There we go. The 2016 list. EdmonTIN has dropped to #48. And steady on the decline.
Dear Edmonton Drivers:
Here is a list of things you don't need to come to a full fucking stop for:
- Traffic Circles with YIELD signs
- Exit lanes
- Merge Lanes
Seriously, what the fuck are you all doing out there?
Every day I drive by the merge lanes at Anthony Henday and 111 Street and every day it's backed up just cause you dumbasses don't know how to adjust your speed and merge like a regular fucking human being.
And to the person behind me that cuts across the merge lines to pass the people who can't fucking merge:
YOU ARE NOT FUCKING SPECIAL!
You are not above the fucking rules, you pieces of shit are what add to the garbage pile that is Edmonton.
On a daily basis I watch you clowns try to maneuver your behemoth earth destroyer jacked up shit box trucks around this excuse for a city thinking you are better than everyone else. I look over and see who you are as you fuck everyone's shit up. Mr. MONSTER logo, RDS hat, no sleeves, swim trunk wearing fuck! You going fucking swimming buddy?
FUCK Edmonton sucks
So you like hiding in your unmarked truck with a bag of Doritos, a dozen donuts and double double from TIMs? Or should I say TINs. You sit there at the spot where it just went to 50 from 60. Snapping photos of me with your flash. Do it again and Im following you home and fucking your wifes asshole while I make you snap photos (with flash) of her and me engaging in rotten coitis. Get a real job you fuck. Your employer is wack sauce.