***Severe backlash excpected after photos leak from YEG security***
New technology emerges in the citys airport and it isnt sitting well with Oilers fans. The state of the art tech developed by S.H.I.E.L.D can be used to physicaly see travelers thoughts. And the truth hurts. See for yourself. The culprit has threatened to leak more photos if the city doesnt stop with the tinning of fields.
Inside the Henday, I rot and I die
What's that up top? A blue spot of sky?
No it is not sir, it's grey till I cry
I'd rather have vinegar sprayed in my eyes
It's cold as a mountain I'm too fat to climb
Now I'm sad sipping this whisky inside
Oh who am I kidding I'm not sipping I'm gulping
Fist fulla hair pulling
Too tired 'n lazy to write so just listing
Architecture? No. Tall boxes.
River valley? Yes. No access.
Water? No. Brown sludge.
Night life? Yes. The Stabbiest.
Street lights? Yes. On every intersection.
Crosswalks? No no. Death zones.
Bikes? No. Get out of my way.
Bike lanes? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Die hippie.
Bike on sidewalk? No. Ticketed.
Cops? No. Traffic watchers.
Safety? No. Learn MMA.
Fun? No. Work work work.
Work? No. Spare some change?
Vibrant downtown? No. Bum town.
Pavement? Yes. Let's park.
Parks? No. Needle trails.
Green? No. Yellowish grey.
Blue? No. Smoggy beige.
Orange? Yes. Detour.
Cars? No no. Trucks!
Stars? No. Industrial lighting.
Weather? Ya. All we talk about.
Summer? No. Wind-er.
Fall? No. Pre-winter.
Winter? Yes. 9 months.
Seriously everything about this city is fucking pathetic.
Feel free to add on your hate in the comments.
Here's some PRO tips for surviving in this shit hole of a city.
1) Cruise control at speed limit. Just do it. Trust me. It's down to 1 lane up ahead and there's photo radar on every fucking overpass. Just save yourself the rage as well as $300 and put it towards alcohol, you'll need it.
2) Know where the deals are. Superstore liq has best deals. But remember Liqour Depot will price match. This minimizes gas usage, which I think spiked to $1.65/L this weekend.
3) Avoid these areas:
4) DO NOT raise children or own a dog. They will need parks and fields for play and exercise in. If you see grass report it immediatley. That is useable land best suited for a new Jiffy Lube.
5) DO NOT ride a bike or walk anywhere. If on a bike you'll just get yelled and honked at if on the street, bike lane or not. Doesn't matter. GET OFF THE ROAD! If walking it'll take hours and you'll eventually run out of sidewalk anyways so don't bother with that shit.
6) Take a day and watch Planet Earth I & II and fuck it throw Cosmos in there too. Get lost in natural science and wonder. Wow fuck this place.
7) Sleep in, the less time you're awake, the less time you have to experience the shittiness that is this city.
8) Blend in. Don't try. Don't be different. This place will just beat you down even worse if you do. Edmonton is where originality comes to die.
9) Traffic can be a bitch. Heres a tip. Switch lanes fast as you can. Speed passed that guy and stare at him. Get in front of him. Get mad again. Hammer it into another lane. Slam on your brakes just before that next bumper. Lane change attempt again but swerve back cuz you almost hit a guy. Find a gap and blow passed 2 more guys then slam on brakes again at that red light. Check your phone. The wife wants cigarettes. Floor it off the line and spray a black death cloud. Stop at that store. Then hold the door open for that first guy you passed and stared at. Good thing you have a Hemi double faggot pipe blaster diesel suck me truck.
10) Blow your fucking skull off!!!
These are the Guardians 6 of the EdmonTIN borders. Fear their might and force as they uproot 80 year old Douglas Firs. Destroying nature. Scraping and digging the earth. Filling its wounds with concrete. Ripping up the living to place dead cement in its stead. They will not stop until their borders are the borders of all. In a city where you can be arrested for planting a tree or be fined for gardening. Watch out for the Guardians 6.
Head west or east or just off yourself. Edmonton is where dreams die.
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, ol Tin Town just gives you a new low.
You betcha, Alberta's capital is sinking even deeper with every day. Here's 15 reasons why:
1) It's a regular city, but browner & greyer
Take a drive on any road in this shithole and let me know when you see something green. There's nothing but dead grass covered with 20 tons of gravel. Oh wait I think I see some... No, nevermind, just a dumpster.
Every city's got em! But Edmonton's just happen to be the worst. K-Days, Captial Ex, whatever the fuck you wanna call it is just an overpriced and unfun excuse to be in Edmonton's true attraction, a parking lot. Do yourself a favour and spend that money on a flight to get the fuck out of here.
3) Edmonton is gaining worldwide fame
I hear Guinness world records is measuring the height of the dump this year.
4) There's no summer
8 months of dark, depressing hell then straight back into fall. If you see a green leaf, send me a pic please.
5) That Edmontonian Spirit!
Helpful for thy self! Saw some guy bring truck load of actual garbage to good will cause too lazy to bring it the dump and wouldn't leave until they took it all. The guy looks at me.. "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?" and I'm standing there looking at this pile of shit and see just broken stuff that nobody could ever re-purpose. But hey, It's the Edmonton way! I'M HELPING.
6) God is it ever north
Like winter but nothing to do? Edmonton is the place for you!
7) Elk Island
Not Edmonton. Overrated mosquito breeding zone. Just not that great. Try going WEST next time.
8) A Big Bat
That thing still there? What's it even there for? Does Edmonton have a baseball team or something?
9) It'll get you fat
Try any of Edmonton's premier dining options and see for youself. Everywhere you go just flavourless goops of "that'll do".
10) Anti-Environment / Outdoors
To the point of just being flat out fucking idiotic. Anything anti oil/gas is WRONG. Green initiatives are HIPPY. I NEED TO WORK!!! Is that a crane?!?! Let me hop in that mother fucker and build another flare stack. Why am I the asshole for liking green grass and trees? Seriously Fuck this place.
11) Two words: Photo Radar
I just can't.
12) Fantasyland still exists
Seriously who the fuck still takes vacations to WEM? Only thing more pathetic than paying to come here is living here. Fuck.
13) World Waterpark
I can't think of a better place to eat partial feces and get some sickly disease.
14) Always thinking about making the city under construction
Edmonton had an identity once, I think. Got bulldozed and rebuilt on. Hmmm I don't like what we did there, let's redo that too. Oh and that histioric building? Edmonton's hottest club: VOMIT.
15) City of Failures
Win something once, talk about it forever. Build something once, knock it down forever. Actually this topic deserves it's own post. This truely is the City of Failures.
If you ever see this veiw....you're FUCKED. You are in for a world of sick disgust the likes you have never seen before. Turn back!!
This city is an ugly shit fuck littered with death garbage and smoke butts. A dome of depression and hatred. The brown suicide river flows fast with the piss and shit flushings from Timmy guzzling construction crews and stay at home moms of 3. There is nothing here for anyone. I havent seen the color green in months. Just grey. I wake up depressed and it snowballs throughout the work day. At hometime I just want a bed. The commute home is 30 minutes of resisting the urge to drive off a cliff. But therre isnt one. Just flat boring straightaways. Oh its OK. Theres a liqour store.
These are my happy pills.
They help keep me positive through the winter when daylight is at a low and feelings of depression are crane high.
Whenever I see grey cloudy skies and shit stained snow I just pop one of these pills and wait.
Wait for a day when the Sun sets after 8pm.
Wait for a day when I get to see green again.
Wait for a day when temperatures soar past +20.
I feed my body with vitamin D in an attempt to convince myself that I've fleed to find a better space.
Is it working?
Fuck I hate this place.